From The Road
Letters To
The Horizon
Not travel logs. A collection of places, thoughts and fragments gathered while walking toward somewhere that keeps moving.
Tirana (The Mirror)
I'm currently a little bit drunk in a hotel in Tirana, I barely left in my time here, I keep making questionable decisions, I think there's something wrong with me, not that there's something wrong with me, but in my brain, or my soul, I go high and low to often, i want to cry sometimes, then the next moment i don't know why i felt that way, I struggle being myself, I sometime's think this long road, isn't doing it's job, what have i left, the heaviest weight i've carried is in my mind, how to be honest with the world, when the world is a judging place, when the world wants to see you take everything in stride so they can say look how strong he is, i want to be like that, when i am the world, and i too look for strength, i too am fallible, I too deal with uncertainty, I just do what i've been doing for the longest, get on with it, Maybe next I head to the mountains, maybe next I just face my fears, at least they can be some growth in that, i don't even know what i'm writing, it's just something, i've walked a thousand miles, and often time's im in the same place, like nothings changed, but my location. I've seen more of the world I suppose, still i carry insecurity, I carry doubt, to be free of them is the battle, still I look myself in the mirror, I see beauty and misery, I'm conflicted.
Bearspray and Donkeys
Albania lol. I walked to Albania. Sure we had to do a little jumping out of Schengen but still Albania??? (insert Na-ni meme) Now decisions decisions Alright my boy, we gotta get to Turkiye Ok firstly, Wolf's, Bear's, Viper's Looool I think at this point we collect some bearspray let's not even get into the dog's 700 +- 50 mile's to get to Istanbul So I'll be 28 when I get there I wonder where I will be on April the 20th,, 420, the best day of the year My guess is that's 40 days from now, around 350-500 miles from now, Either Greece or Bulgaria, Somewhere forward of Kavala (Greece) These days I've been thinking about a companion, and I want a donkey, or a horse, that would be cool can i find a farm to work on that would be cool let's see how it goes
Why?
A man is what he thinks himself to be, From the moment I told my best friend I was about to set out from the Uk to Kenya, to this moment I’ve been asked Why? Why at least a thousand times That’s everyone’s question Tom Turcich also noted how before leaving you need your why nailed in, People constantly ask if it’s for charity, The reality is it’s for me, I need this
Who Am I?
Who am I? I’ve been making videos for 124 days now with over 150 produced and posted and still I feel tension. I’m not doing this properly. I’m not being me, For all the reasons that a person can imagine not being their full self online. And I could continue, But I’m not interested in that. It’s draining. What do I have to lose? Some followers, some judgment some likes… So who am I? I’m a person that’s been getting it out the mud for a decade. Who has as many flaws as they have merits, Whos heart can both fill a cup with joy and pain. I’m me, I value growth, And this has come to me through discipline, through experience and through time. What I’ve shown feels disingenuous, not because it’s not me, but because it’s the softest most digestible version. Why’s that? Because I’m someone with strong ideals on myself and the world, This is an ever growing circumstance. I dipped into survival, I dipped into they need to like me syndrome, I need to be PG, When the reality is, That’s not me. I’m the same person that can Tell someone I don’t care at all, But I’ll still help you. The same person that can spend the night in intoxication, And the next day cry to my creator. I have strengths and weaknesses, But I’m me. And I love me. So I’ll accept any losses that come from this, In order to be me This journey is about growth, Not content, Frankly content serves two purposes, Documentation for myself my children, and maybe one day others like myself A continuation of what I’ve been doing for years And if I can be supported along the way to help on my journey then I’m grateful. I care not for fame, praise or accolades all of that is ego inflation that risks degradation of character anyway. I’m not Swae I’m swaleh, Just a man. On a mission to become the man I believe God created me to be, This is my journey, If my videos mean anything to you, That’s awesome. If not, I understand
Intermission - The Belly of The Beast
I'm on a bus, I left France exactly 4 hours ago. Currently somewhere between Genoa and Milan. My minds wondering, I'm sat on this coach next to a knocked out drunk Italian man, Thankfully I have noice cancelling earphones, Still if I look his way I smell the liquor. I have J Cole playing, Listening to Dollar and a Dream III. What a master piece of an album. I'm sat here thinking about life, I'm thinking about how I'm really going knee's deep into the belly of the beast, My mind image's grappling with dogs, Wondering if it came down to it, who ends who, I have less than £200 in my bank account, I think how far can I get with this, What happens if it runs out, I think about how I'm the only person of colour on this bus, How I could be a single coco pop floating in a bowl of milk, I think about my confidence, or my arrogance, what makes me think I can o this, Why me? Why not! I think about how the stress has got to me in moments, I think about perceptions, I think about how none of that noise matters, I have a mission to do and that comes first, How I make a video shouldn't really matter, If kids can't watch it but it's more authentic then forget it that's better, Kids watch baby shark, I don't want that garbage, because it's curated. I'm not trying to curate anything, it ain't easy out here, This isn't David Attenborough or Bear Grylls, With camera crews, My brother, It's just you out here, On a bus to Montenegro, Forget social media for a moment, Let's talk from the heart, France is done, and I don't feel anything, I didn't feel relief or sadness in leaving, I feel no excitement in where I'm heading, I'm simply doing the job, I have a hint of curiosity for what's ahead, The challenges, but that's just the game, Feelings don't matter, Job's not done. Part 2 Dear Swae, Hah I am used to writing to Swaleh, Today I address your internet persona. Forget all this noise, Hear me, I got you out, I also keep you alive, You do what I tell you, Lock TF in, None of this soft lifestyle, none of this candy and cake's, That create's weakness, weakness will get you killed, Better to be a warrior in a... Type shit. I expect vascularity from you, Not belly roles, look at yourself. Slacking, Weakness propagates weakness which propagates fear. You don't want to be scared get stronger, and this internet persona, You show them a giddy kid because you don't have the substance to hold, so you entertain. Stop. We ain't here as entertainment, Transition. I don't want to be seeing or dealing with a lazy, entertaining, broke version of myself. I'll make the choice for now, Broke Broke is what I can accept, It's the hardest variable to control, Health is not, Strength is not. Let's get to montenegro, 33 hour bus lol, It isn't too bad, just boring. By the time you get of the bus all the vids recorded should be processed, posting depends on internet, Stop doing enough, Start doing more.
An Empty Victory
What happens when you know how to be in theory, but it's difficult today i found myself feeling off, irritable, it was my last day walking in France, and even though i knew i should enjoy today, i found myself missing the zeal i normally walk with, questioning it's authenticity, questioning myself, I found myself questioning others, and their intent, are people good? a sentence I found myself thinking about... was it a mistake to use such a blanketed statement, i suppose so, i suppose when expanded on, It's an idea, an idea that once shared put me in a self imposed box where i now had to stand on that, the interesting thing is, it's not something I oppose. to me it means, that within all people is good, and whether it is brought out, remains the question. people are good, also has me looking at myself, why do i get to decide if people are good, why's it based on my interaction with them. I had an interaction today, a woman came up to me in a store, unaware that I do social media, I was already irritable, my social battery had been removed from my device, I truly had no interest in communicating, and she began to speak to me, about the hot food in a store, about how this is what she usually eats, but today none of it appeals to her, I nodded and okay'd along, the introvert in me counting the moments until this interaction ended, she probed into my backpack, and told me she was very happy to meet somebody going to her country, she was one of my country folk, here in the city of Nice, whether she was alone or with family, this was all unknown to me, I listened in a little, she told me she hated her time in London, she told me she was having a bad day, and that this had done something for her, what that something was I don't know, she asked if after shopping we could speak, to which i ok'd.... she left to do her shopping, I returned to mine and before long she was back, carrying an energy drink, letting me know she would wait for me outside the store to converse, I sighed internally, and ok'd again... i then spent 5-10 minutes walking through the store hoping that when I leave, she would be gone, she wasn't, and so I approached her, touching my ear phones and told her I was speaking to my girlfriend and wished her a good day, a clean exit I then started to think, about what that moment could of been for her, how maybe i'm no good, I justified myself in the thought that I'm not required to converse with anyone, yet couldn't shake the thought that this was contradictory to my own words, so I ask again why do I say people are good? maybe I should say something like, people have good within them, maybe this is further from judgement, for judging one person, means i judge all, and none who pass judgement, are free from their own. so I sit here today, in a hostel with 7 other people, feeling off in some ways, lost in thought on many things, and I suppose this is how it should be. I'm tired of the way in which I create videos, I feel as though it lacks any real depth, and as a result of that lack of depth, I throw energy at the camera, it makes me wonder, am i performative, if so, to what end, why? am I afraid to just show up as myself? what is it? why do I feel like I can't just show up entirely as myself? I'm proud in my religion yet I wish not to speak on it, I don't want the questions, the scrutiny, I want to say stop asking it's none of your concern, but I don't I don't consider myself to be acting, I know even if it is just raw energy, it is mine, I show up as myself, yet there is more than one side to this coin one of the best books I've read states, "every problem is a interpersonal problem" this is a weight I am currently carrying, they are eyes on me, i'm a person who for a long time, preferred to be aloof, some of my closest friends are books, with many of my teachers holding residence within, having spent my time in study, having practiced in the field, I now take my skills to the worlds, my highs and lows, wins and losses, broadcasted to thousands, shortly after, I find myself reading comments, on my speech, behavior, mannerisms, plans, more often than not, I find myself reading praise, thinking I'm unworthy, thinking, I'm just a guy, walking around. and the stranges part of it all, for the most part... they like me, they are kind to me, many a time they bring a smile to my face. yet I am constantly aware, whenever someone says you are good, they are wrong, and whenever someone says you are bad, they are wrong. we exist somewhere in the middle, undefined, simply existing within moments, everyone to someone exists with a different face, the moment in which you meet someone becomes the base line for the judgement you give them, maybe this next part, is mine alone, i am inconsistent, I can wake up, with the world at my feet, and be irritable, I can wake up, destitute, sore, lost, alone with a smile on my face, knowing I'll figure it out, I can walk 1000 miles greeting everyone, smiling and waving to strangers, then have a day in which a stranger approaches me, and I remove myself with haste. I once had a podcast, it was messages recorded at various points in life, with a close friend, where all conversations, were painfully transparent, such that one day our kids could listen, and understand what their fathers went through, how they over came challenges, how they stumbled, it was liberating, to be able to speak free from immediate feedback, As i write that I think to how that's the problem, Immediate feedback, the silent judgement I wait for, how was the video? do they like me? will this help towards sponsorship? am I presenting myself as well as possible? what of that that I don't present, should i? I have seen the beast of social media, transform humility into ego, the temptation of what it brings... I have also felt, the challenge you feel between being yourself, and being who they want you to be, of silencing a thought because you want to be as neutral as possible, I spent years, chiseling myself, looking pain in the eyes and walking through it, and I want this person to exist to, not because I want praise, but because I like who I am, in spite of my flaws, I do what I do, not to entertain, but because I know I can, I know who I am, and the tragedy is not giving that to the world, I don't know how I would, I currently lack the creative skills to do so, and therefore a transition would be uncomfortable, alas I shouldn't care, so was quitting a life to start another, and by the time I am 1000 miles into that, I'll be in a better place. Nice we made it. France I love you, I felt it all here, so much fear, anxiety, highs, lows, the emotional cycle was spun, the stimulation I crave was filled, I learnt of myself, yet I wish to learn of another self, as with most people, their is a me, that exists, alone and within the company of a very select few, a me that I frankly don't know how to integrate into social media, I've lost confidence in what I'm writing so this is where I'll stop. just get on with it. i feel no sense of victory in reaching the south of France, i thought i would, yet it felt empty, what i know is that the ocean is beautiful, the mountains were as the mountains have been, and this chapter is complete, yet today. I felt nothing, I struggle more with comfort than with hardship
An entry from Avignon
im currently sat in a airbnb in avignon, im in a city ill never be in again, and im sat in the hotel room, i don't go out, is it because i have no one to go with, is it because i dont want to spend, or am i just a hermit, even in a life travelling the world, i chose the comfort of the shell. what is to follow? 100 days are soon to pass from when we left home, and 100 days from now things can be very different. It's time you look in, refine yourself, the road won't refine you just by walking it, use your time better, read more, think more, distract less, go within, learn your fears, name them, train for them, then accept them, there's things we are doing that we shouldnt. things that make the journey harder, we must stop to feel sorry for ourself, remember the feeling on top the world, get there, and get there without stimulant, you shouldn't need caffeine to be alive. and you shouldn't feel like you always need to shine as proof of life, you just need to do what's necessary to prepare you for whats to come. The road is long, You have much time, Center yourself, and rebuild a new.
Note to self
Day 70 -Walking from the uk to kenya I have a decision to make, How do i continue on this journey without compromising myself, Time is against me, and I can't just speed up. The good news is The hardest part is in the past, we've started, Now, we just have to find away around the hurdles on our path, Remain focused on one simple truth, You signed up for a challenge, and footsteps haven't filled that appetite, so here it is, I'm curious to see how you handle it, Time, Money, Integrity and that smile. The road will change you, That was by design, In every moment marked by, Challenge, Stress and Pain Do not allow yourself to suffer, As each strike of the chisel, Transforms plain rock into timeless art, You too must find solace in knowing, Everything that chips at you, Refines you. To Swae From Swae
New Years Thoughts
Hey new year, Today the writing starts in Beaune. What a crazy way to end the year, In Beaune. Of all places, after all I didn't have the slightest clue this place existed. It's been a crazy year, A year where we took a leap of faith, a year in which we essentially took all we had built over the years and tossed it to the wind, in search of a new, something fresh, something different, and i feel different, most the time at least, I still face uncertainty, I have moments of anxiety, yet i find so much in calm, I suppose you can strip away the weight of society, of conformity, and of routine, yet, you can not strip away the essence of humanity, and this is good, I have found it essential, looking forward, I know not where life takes me, many a time I have thought of how I could end up dead, or worse, I live and fail, I don't linger in these thoughts, I just know they exist, I suppose I'm also afraid of winning, what happens then, I accomplish my goal, or goals, I create a way to live of this new found freedom, Then what? This year will be major in my story, It will serve as either an ending or a new beginning, I look forward to learning.
The first entry in France
I'm proud of me, I just took a moment, I sat down in bed, Pulled up my laptop for the first time to write, The first time it felt real since leaving, A time where I can connect with myself and save it into my archives. I did it, I left home, I'm actually in France, A pipe dream from a year ago is taking place, I make videos, I walk, I edit, Sure there's plenty of room for improvement, but who care's, I'm doing it, I think sometime's, It's easy to forget who I am, I can get so caught up in driving my vehicle, I forget about the driver, I'm here, I'm present, I'm overwhelmed, and I'm calm, It won't be easy, but easy wasn't made for me, I like a challenge, I like to prove myself to myself, any confidence I walk with in life, has been earned by doing, There is so much left to do Swae, Don't worry now, I'll take care of you. Allow me be your guide, your watcher, I have not failed you before, I will not fail you now, You did the thing, you took the step, for that I applaud you, my boy you are growing up, we are 27, How long have we been working on creating life, now you live it, truly, good job, now, remember - all we have learnt, put into practice your kindness, your patience, your diligence, your competence, your adaptability, your strength, your ability to endure, your will power. This has always been what seperates you, As many before you have, you stepped onto a long road, with no companion that you should share in company, no comrade that you should rely in conflict, it is you, and this is real. Only god can protect, but his will is not known, so pray for the best and prepare for the worst. Keep going Simba N'dogo