The Ocean Test

2026, what a way to start a note I took a moment Looking out into the Adriatic Sea Sat in Saranda Albania And I thought I’m here And I thought hold on for a second This is crazy I’M HERE I’ve been hearing, Living out here And that’s crazy That’s a crazy mental frame, I’m just doing this thing, Boldly and bravely, And there’s so much that can happen at any moment, And I’m just here Boy do I miss predictability. Routine, Structure, The expected I’m realising that there’s nothing wrong with the expected, Your building towards something, It’s stable and predictable, You are gradually walking towards something better for you, And thought it’s slow, It’s Predictable Here, It’s all a bit much, You can love adventure, And not love what comes with it, Why do I need to plan when I can use the toilet, I just walk, I just go, After 165 days, I just keep going, Guess I’ma little bit mad Guess that has to be it, Because bro, Why? I’ve tried to think of different ways to say why I do what I do But I don’t even know, I just know where I’m at mentally, And I think things have changed, I’m bored, Constantly anxious, And I wonder, Why am I doing this. I think to the other side, Though there’s some level of inconsistency, What ever it is I want to do, I could probably do better, Just doing it, Treating it with the same level of just get this shit done, That I’m doing here. I rest sometimes but I keep going, And the question becomes… Do I have to see it through? Do I want to see it through? What do I gain, Other than knowing I went all the way there, Social growth and branding, do I become a somebody? I’m not helping anyone, I just meet people, I get to see things, I could do that differently, I go on a short trip with friends, And I see so much more than I do walking in 2-3 days than I do see walking. More I don’t know, There’s two sides to that coin, Walking I see inside, I connect with people, That’s cool, But on a boat, In a car, Angles and speeds you wouldn’t think off, Sensory differences, Walking, I have so little control of my environment, And that can be Great, Out of my comfort zone I’ve found a lot of growth, I see a lot of things, Currently the orange sunset hue on the 6th floor balcony on the coast of Saranda, After a boat ride, Where I saw Corfe, And swam at the twin beach, In water both green and blue. I laughed at dinner with an old friend, And drove with speeds and driving styles that are frankly dangerous Still I had a great time, I felt uncomfortable multiple times, I don’t know if other people would, Where I don’t know if others would, I see myself as a survivor, As one that can endure, And I’m alert a lot of the time, So I’m doing this while having a brain that’s always scanning and processing, And as we do with potential threats, We think how well we can access this threat, You don’t give the benefit of the doubt, You keep the benefit of the doubt, Because only a fool knows better and presses on, I must think in states of escalation, I must draw the what if past benefit of the doubt, I’ve thought as far as donkey companions, And carving ancient tools, Because what if What if something happens, And I think the what if has changed bro, What if you lose your job, You get another, What if your broke, Doesn’t matter start again, I’m out of shape, Go to the gym, Stop eating sugar, A 60kg Kangal decides your a threat, That’s an uncomfortable thought, What if your in your tent, Comfortable and relaxed, And your hear shuffling and muffling, Rumbling on the ground, A cut to your tent, Indistinguishable from an external force, And there you are, Alone, Unarmed, Nothing but prey to that which decides, I love how delusional of a man I can be, And still I know where that’s just it, Game over And that right there, That’s what operates in your head as you walk around the world, Somewhere in the back of your head, At all times, You must. And it’s a harrowing feeling So why do I walk around the world, Honestly I don’t know, My head was a bit messed up, I needed time to think, I thought let’s just go to Kenya, I saw others had done it and I knew it was possible, Then I looked at my life, And thought, What am I giving up anyway, I was in a place, And I didn’t know what else to do, Nothing else took away that feeling, So I decided, And I knew to be firm on it, I couldn’t allow any thoughts to come in, Because all of them would be true, The risk is too high, Your essentially rolling the dice on your continuity, And I knew the answer to each of them, (Deep breathe) I knew. So that should tell you where my mind was at. There’s an old quote, If you think you want to die, Throw yourself into the ocean and see how badly you'll fight to live. Im a person that in despair, Put my life on the line, To find reasons to keep going, Ive risked my life, To try and save my life. Comical. And beautiful. So do I have to keep going? I don’t, It would require a true mental checkout, And I’m not there, I’ll be honest I don’t like the dogs, And I’ve never wanted to live more, But I do, I’ve got more in me, Maybe I have it all in me, Wouldn’t that be something, It’s a nice dream to hold onto, I struggle with focus, But this is one target I haven’t lost sight of. I just want to get there, I don’t care how long it takes, I just want it to be a positive experience for me, And maybe that’s why I wouldn’t be ready to stop, Because in spite of everything, I enjoy it, I’ve grown from this that’s for sure, Mentally, Emotionally, And unexpectedly Physically I miss being able to control my diet, routine and structure, I thrive of it, Some predictability is awesome, I’ll eat this, Train here, Walk here, Good experience here, Sleep here, No problems just day in day out I’d be crushing it, But there’s just too many variables for this formula, They show up in unexpected ways, And you just play the hand your dealt, So I’m here tomorrow I’m going back to Macedonia And I’m going to rest for a few days, I need some time to get organised, I’ve got admin to do, Limited resources, And a mind set on making something with this, I’m currently thinking about charity, I’m think raise money to what? Theres War, water, food, eyes, walking, local area, schools, the list just goes on, To the thing that connects to them, To the right thing, I don’t know, People suffer a lot, In so many different ways, And it’s heart breaking, I think all of us know that, Whether we look at it or not, The world is in many ways, We don’t want to see, So we don’t, And I understand, Sometimes it’s easiest that way, Because what do I do that x has happened in this or that place, That’s all it is these days, And being positive in life genuinely, Is looking in the other direction, This is what we are taught, Look on the bright side, Because it gets Dark. And not a single one of us doesn’t know that. There’s questions that one could easily ask themselves, But I don’t register it, I’m thinking and planning around upgrading upgrading x, I like most people, Have made and make my contributions, But I could do more, And that is that little place that tells me, Maybe I’m not so bad, And I helped, So I can peacefully eat my ice cream, Without the guilt of knowing someone’s not eaten in days, Maybe that’s all it is, There’s seldom few people who are truly selfless, Maybe if any, Self preservation always remains in mind, And the questions of what’s enough, Fuels both our deepest greed and highest ambitions, I’ve been writing for a while now, See, I think a lot, I don't know if it’s good or bad thoughts, But I don’t think they need to be either, They’re just thoughts, And tbh the quality of thoughts does need to be judged, Well I think I’m in a decent place right now, My experience of life, Is that it’s set up in such a way, That we do what we need, And we don’t understand what it is we need, So we look through others, We judge would I like to this persons life, Crowd mentality is real, And even if we all know we won’t be the best, I’m confident a lot of us would like to know what that feels like, I often wonder if people still remain in the world of “this is what we have”, And though we need, We need for only security, food and water in that order, How we live is how we live, That’s what cultures based on, Necessity, We’ve commercialised necessity because of how absent it is, But times are different, We have culture in our own ways, And in many ways, It’s different, Once gladiators, Now gamers, Competing for prizes, Elite levels of skills, Entertaining for the masses, And I couldn’t say this to not long ago, But appealing to the masses, Having a presence in today’s age, Is more valuable than it’s ever been, Forget the money, It can enable you to do what you want, We are past needs, Travel, spend 45k on a shiny watch, make sure your family is always good, even help on a larger scale, It provides, Money Access In exchange for being yourself, And hopefully doing the things you want, I say hopefully because like all things 2 sides to the coin In exchange Privacy has a question mark We compromise ourselves, for optimisation. I think very few people truly say the things that they think. Instead they allow personas to be built around them, and grow into it. Change is hard, you’ve built a world that relies on people still caring. And you don’t know how they may feel about it. Which demographic you could switch off, which demographic you’d be happy to ignore, which demographic you’d get. You don’t know, so you play it safe. Remember you’re looking for sponsorships, and they will blackball you we’ve see it enough times. If you play the game right, You get what you need and you move on, Because when your held under rules as stringent, And ideally you do it, Before the job becomes your life, Because maybe you like just being a normal guy, Maybe you don’t want to be asked questions, Maybe you don't want to take pictures, And been paraded, Maybe you just want to have everything while being like everyone else. i don’t know but I’ve writing for a long time now so I’m going to stop this here