From The Road
Letters To
The Horizon
Not travel logs. A collection of places, thoughts and fragments gathered while walking toward somewhere that keeps moving.
Not retrospective
This is my first time writing directly here, I’m proud of me for building this site. Suppose I used to have trouble finishing my projects. Oh the graveyard of ideas is full. I’m on my way to Dodullu to get a Bus to Corlu and head into the forest. Status: energised Feet still pain me I think that’s chronic now - it is what it is Music: Merve Ozbey - Juice Wrld Account: £50-60 Hoping to get my reimbursement from travel insurance soon should push me over £100 but we know how insurance can be. I have new gear, Solar panel, Gimbal, Mic receiver mobile, Looking forward to using these hopefully it gives me a more sustainable system on the roads, And enables better videos. But let’s be honest, The real quality of a video isn’t angles, or quality, It’s emotion and story telling. A skill I pursuit mastery in. The aim for the next leg is to spend my time in the great outdoors, Time to myself in the mountains would be good, I miss it, England and France had plenty and it’s something I’ve deprived myself of out of fear as well as poor logistics. Here’s to that! The sun has been kind to me today, 26* is not bad. 30 through the week, 40 on the way. Swae out
Tamam
I reached out. Everything reminded me of her, I knew better. Still I don't know exactly what I was looking for. I have closure already, maybe it was to know how she was, maybe just to hear something from a time that felt real either way. I reached out and she replied. She's getting married. I sat with that for a moment. I don't know how long. Long enough. I thought about what to say. I could have said nothing. I could have said too much. I've done both before and neither served me. Instead I wrote two words. Tamam. All the best. And I meant it. That's the thing I keep coming back to. I meant it . There was no bitterness dressed as grace, no quiet hope that she'd read something between the lines. I genuinely wished her well and let it go. That felt like something I'd been working towards. I don't think you fall out of love with a person. I think you fall out of love with the version of yourself that existed inside that relationship. What I missed wasn't her specifically. It was the feeling of familiarity. Maybe that's what I was reaching for when I wrote. And she gave me what I needed by simply answering. Not because of what she said. Because of what I felt when she said it. Which was - okay. Just okay. Not devastated, not relieved, not hollow. Okay. I've been on the road for over 200 days, I sleep rough and count my pennies. Everyday I see more of the world and now it's my turn to get acquainted with Türkiye - the language, the culture, the history. She was Turkish, and maybe that's what brought her to mind. Her name is scattered around the country. I see her face daily. I see her father's bank everywhere. A constant reminder. I still care for her in memory. But I know we parted ways with good reasoning. Similar to my journey - looking back with fondness is okay. Wishing to go back because it felt comfortable and familiar, that's not what I do. One foot in front of the other. Keep moving. I have a different mission.
The Cafe
im sat in a cafe, i extended my stay in istanbul prior to starting to walk through turkiye by one more day. a new country im starting off, and it's with a lot of logistical challenges, im thinking about data, money, and safety. right now my job is to get some videos out, i just got monetised on youtube, that should help hopefully, i see in my first 24 hours and made £2.10 - though its a far cry from truly being able to live of, it's a start, it's something, hopefully something i can build from, im surprised by my tolerance to stress and how that's grown, exposure therapy is doing it's thing, my friend gave me £250, he told me i can pay him back whenever i can pay him back, i don't think he understands that scale of that gesture in my life right now, i kind of like that im battling the odds so much, yet im still here, last night i had a conversation with another software engineer, it was good, he was in a similar place to myself and that's what led us to meeting in a hostel, a very cool man, a turk who has moved to germany, he showed me around, and provided historical context to the sights we were seeing, i couldn't help but think, i wish i could record this, i loved it and therefore i knew others would, still i kept my camera holstered, do i still believe i can pull this off, yes, but i need to get incredibly lucky, over and over again, one bad roll can end my journey, I am still yet to hit that point where the game changes, still i will do my best.
The Actor
ego, what is the ego, my ego is my actor, it's the one that cares about how i look, it's not necessary it's the one that covers my bad moves, it tells me things about myself that are quantifiably true, it's what holds me back from being better, you can do more, for your own sake, walking around the world isn't enough, your job is to add substance to it, would learning the history of where you are going prior to arrival help, yes, will you see it differently, yes, onto a different subject, good job, you did albania, i feel indifferent to this, i think of what's ahead, turkey, do things you can be proud of, live like someone who you'll happily show to the world. (Transit — Flight to Turkey)
Two Sides of the Coin
I've finished Albania. I'm on a bus back to the capital. My plans to fly to Turkey for the next leg. A good experience I had in Albania. Still, I feel something's missing. Impact. All of what I do is well and good, Still I can do more. I ask am I using my time in the best way I could? I want to love, I want to create, Solve problems, Genuinely help people. I'm at a bottleneck. People help me. Is my job to walk the world receiving the help of others, Grateful as I am, Is this the best use of my time? Often times I feel useless. Not to myself. To others. A smile has never put food in a stomach, Even if it warms a heart. I suppose whatever path of life I walk, I've always looked to the other. An engineer, Working on applications with dreams of providing solutions to the masses. I felt as though I'm getting older, There's so much I haven't seen. A man walking the world, I think of the world I left behind. All I could do. What can I build. Solutions — family. To have my own tribe. To be complete inside. To love quietly. To cover the corner of the table. To speak words that blanket hard days. To hold someone in my arms, And know I need not the whole world, When I have mine. Still, Today, I transit to the airport. I prepare myself for what's to come. Time alone, Time with strangers, Hardship and happiness. I do love my journey. I merely reflect on a life I left behind, Knowing that all coins have two sides, And on a journey such as my own, I must accept that I can only carry what is within.
The Discipline Manifesto
You can change the environment, it means nothing, if you're not right in your mind. Being somewhere else is not going to be what shifts that. I've been undisciplined, I can see that now. I had someone to talk to, and through them I saw how little discipline I keep in my life. I saw through him. He was undisciplined, pronounced. I choose a subtle approach, still I saw the same things. I saw someone who had an excuse, and a negative feeling attached to him. I saw someone who was improper in his ways. I saw it as a lack of love. I recognised it because I see the same things when I look in the mirror. I say that I love me, yet my love is unsteady. This is lack of discipline. I have said that I love you, and I did the same. Even love requires discipline. Life requires discipline. And those without discipline in this life, they can go far, but their mind will always be unruly. Discipline is the human's best way to live. We need it. Religion, ideology, stoicism, philosophy — all for what. To tell us how we are supposed to live. Not for worship, that's what's there to keep us grounded. I don't think religion is prayer. I think in discipline we find peace. This is why you cannot deny learning. Because what do I know of life? Nothing. And many things I will never know. So if I'm going to play life, I should at least learn what I need to be doing. I should be running it in the way that gives my character the best experience. And here I am spamming cigarettes, like it doesn't lower my life. This is simply a lack of discipline. I am not unruly by nature. I must start there. I allow my habits to rule over my life. I create excuses, justifications, lies to help myself deal with the truth. Why's that? It's not because I can't do it. It's because now I'd have to do something about it. But how can I? What can I do? You do what you can. That's all it is. Right now you are walking from the UK to Kenya. You have a feat ahead. You need to be locked in. You allowed your brain to be flooded, and to experience an experience is not the worst thing to do. Now you must return to baseline. You must. Whether you will is for time, but you must. Because even if you accomplish — is that what you want your story to be? Who is it you want to be. You are not a degenerate, I know that much about myself. Yet I have tendencies that disagree with that statement. So it's simple. Prove it. Going to Kenya means nothing to me. Doing it the right way is what would be impressive. Growing, pushing yourself, adapting. Transforming yourself into the person you've always wanted to be. Now that I can get behind. I'd be so very proud of you if you did this. If you can prove to me that you are who I always thought you were, I would be so proud that you were me. Rules are simple. Stay off the stimulants — feel the burn, suffer a little, it is a detox, it is supposed to suck. That's your body healing. That pain in your brain is the sun hitting the skin after times of clouds, it stings a little but soon you'll be enjoying it. Romance doesn't exist — your inability to show love in the only true way, by taking care of yourself, reflects that you do not have the ability to love someone else. Short term relationships are a tempting solution, yet let's be honest. Why do we need to invite outside energy and influence into our life, what possible use do we have for this complication. The body — only put in that which helps the body and mind. It just increases health stats. This one isn't even a question of what helps us, just keep what harms us away. If you need to fast, fast. Water is a good one, drink plenty. Why? I need you at baseline. You are travelling the world. This is not the time for your undisciplined nonsense. You could have done that at home. You chose to come out here and play. Then by god. Play. Because your life depends on it. You are playing multiple games, and you need to accept it. Only then can you succeed. And I tell you something, it is doable. So why can't I be the one who does it. I'm here anyway. Day 188 walking from the UK to Kenya. Structure and focus. This is your journey. This is your survival. This is your future. Social media. The most difficult one. There is no one sided coin. For all the good that it brings, it returns that which is equal. It is a tool, not a monster, yet its effects can inflict consequences if you are not careful. Live a life that you're happy to show. Don't worry about what others want to see. This is your life. They are others already focused on who others want them to be. Be yourself. And here's the challenge — be the best version of you. Stop rejecting the title. Influencer. You have been watched for 10,000+ hours. Repeated exposure increases influence. You may not have a huge audience, but there's someone whose ear is curious as to what you're going to say, as to how you're going to live. And they're going to take that information and throw it in their life calculator, to build on their understanding of the world. You have a responsibility. If you're going to be seen, to do the right things. Everybody respects those with discipline — over their tongue, their mind, over what they do with their body, their self control. This is not religion. This is discipline. This is self control. This is mindfulness. This is intelligence. Everything else revolves around the lowest forms of our creature. Seeking impulse and desire, like an animal in an experiment being distracted by so much they forgot they had an original goal. They had a dream. Yet unfocused brains are the most harmful brains of all. By forgetting your own dreams for pleasure, you have betrayed the very spirit in you. No wonder you are depressed. How can you respect yourself when you know you make decision after decision that goes against your wellbeing. To fix it is never outside of reach. Maybe this is why we hold onto the past, because we think that reflects who we are today. It isn't. You are a different person, on a different playing field. Your job is to play life in a way that's best for you today. Don't waste time looking back. Think about what's next. Always. What is the best way I can spin this thing, for the sake of me. You must return to discipline. And that starts with one word. A word you must tell yourself and others. No. I am not doing this because it doesn't align with who I want to be. Just stopping the bad things you do in life is a great way to increase your stats. So do it. With no goal and no date in mind. Just for the sake that one day a later version will be happy that you did things to create the best life for them. That is love. To be disciplined. This is the peak of any human. To be disciplined. Right now, what do I want for myself. I would like to have a clear mind. I would like to be in good shape. I would like to be stimulated by the way I live my life. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe you don't need to be stimulated. Maybe you just need to do it anyway. Do the thing that sucks, until it stops sucking. This is how you got in shape before. You are struggling with the beginning because it's uncomfortable. To rewrite your brain. You will thank yourself for it. Just push through, and not just today. Do it consistently. Don't seek the result. Seek the input. Show up. Just keep showing up. You'll get what you're looking for. The mind. Limit your exposure. There's too much out there. It's easy to hijack my systems, to make me think about things I didn't previously think about. It reminds me of why in religion it says don't go near certain things. The very nature of the thing is poison to the mind. It plants seeds that grow. Keep your distance. Out of sight is out of mind. The people you surround yourself with will influence the way you think, the things you do. By positioning yourself around other strong accounts you're more likely to level up. They know what to do, they can tell you, you can watch, you will grow. Playing with people on your level can only work when there is discipline. It is not to be a saint. It's to have enough respect for yourself that you acknowledge the things that are important to you, and you do the right things around that. It is taking a chisel and deciding what your character will bring to life. Just do the right things. It's not even that hard. It's literally just not doing the wrong thing, and then keep doing that. With no excuses. You just show up, time after time, because you're a soldier, and this is your battle. The fight for your life. Freedom is an illusion, at least in the way people think. You are not free when you do whatever you want. You are a slave. A slave to your vices. It is when you do what is good for you, when you are free. A slave to no vice. Only to good do you bend the knee. When you say I will do something that I don't want to do, but it's the right thing to do, for me, and I care about who I'm becoming as much as who I am — then you are free. At this point I'm writing because I want to write. The message has been received. I'm out. I think it could be good to be honest with the camera. It is a part of my life, I can't not be honest. This is who I speak to, day in day out, and I like sharing my experience — not for praise. I like the data, I like the connection, I like the showing. I don't need to be praised, just to get what this is like. I'm just a guy. I think I actually dislike holding the camera for myself, because I'm thinking from the point of the one taking the video, thinking about what's the product. And as the product, thinking — is my truth not enough, must I perform. The thing I'm learning is you shouldn't need to. What I want takes time to build. I have spoken to other travellers, similar in our quest for adventure, different in our reasons why. If you make videos and you travel, unless you're rich, you are thinking how do I sustain this. Because money is a thing. After that it's where it becomes different — what do you aim to accomplish. I made a mistake in saying why I was walking. That was a discredit to myself. I held out for so long and broke on a whim. I said what felt true at the time. I don't know if that means it's true. I just think when I switch on the camera to talk I can't present myself the way I do here, because now somebody's going to see it. And I don't think many people take the time to try and understand. I think they look for the punch, they validate if you are worth their attention. And maybe that being rejected would be a painful thing to experience.
The New Chapter (28)
Tomorrow i start walking again On Monday I turn 28, all pretty cool, Maybe it's early but I want to start thinking about what I want from the next year. In many way's it's the biggest make or break of my life, above all things to aim for, I aim to be stateless, to be less in thought and action, to simply flow through, what i want is: To be more grounded, To be less attached to the internal monologue, To break the shackles I put myself into, I am no one's prisoner but my own Skill development: I will become a better writer, A more composed speaker, Most important, I spend my time, becoming a better person, not just skill wise, who can I become so that I can help the world, how can I help the world, how can I help myself? Here's to a new chapter, live long, be well bro, you'e done well, better than anyone expected you would, I don't know if it's better than you thought you would though, I know you think the world of me, because I think the world of you. you risked your life, to save mine, for all the difference in - mentality, temperament, humility, focus, one thing is extremely constant with you, you are not a quitter, you never have been, you have more reasons than you need to give up, I know you, i've felt it, the depth of it, i know why you are the way you are, i know who you could be, i know your every mistake, i know your good deeds, i know how many time's you've thought what's the point, and i love you most, because even when you couldn't find a point, you go looking for it. you are my inspiration. you are a winner, not in riches, not in women, not in goodness, you are a winner because every time you could have quit, you said no, it's not over till i win. this is what i most respect about you, this is what i most respect about me, we are winners, i am a winner. and it's not over, till i win
The Master Work
You can loose and make a fool yourself a million times, So long as you win in the end, No one cares What if I just push on till I’m making enough of content that I can do it my way My brain is unbelievably strong, it does the thing, it just moans on the way. It finds relief in expression. I have internalised my voice, I love to share it. I feel that this is me, my thought process and it’s my most valuable possession. I am choosing to share it because I know to someone it’s useful. I may not have it all figured out, but I have come from a worse place to where I am today. And I know there’s something in there. I have to come to terms with something, My present, My state today and the circumstances surrounding, In many ways I’m as strong as I’ve ever been, In others I am unbelievably weak and exposed, This is me. Experiencing an alt human experience. The variables surrounding my existence are highly unique to me, There’s something in that. In many ways I’m getting exactly what I was looking for, The challenge is matching the challenge with skill and preparation such that I can dance through obstacles as though they were props placed to make me look good. Given the circumstances I hold, The ones that made me, me. The ones that have kept me on the road, The ones that turned my mind into a gem, That have always known of the value I have, Yet needed more pressure to get stronger. Here we are, I have never felt like pressure like this, I have never juggled weights this heavy, And though it’s far from flawless, The weights are still in the air, We still moving, That’s crazy, When I look at myself, When I ignore comparison, I can see the accomplishment of my being, In a private way, A way that only I understand, To have lived my life, And to be going on, To still be looking to grow, I’m proud of myself. I think I’m a cool guy, Bit erratic still surely there’s a beauty in that, Surely the maddest of artists create the most indistinguishable of works, Maybe that’s my role in life, To use my days as strokes of paint that results in my life work, my master work. They could be more practical works, Better structured, But they will never be the madness of me, The beauty of Swae On Earth. A man who lived, Who felt it all, Pain, Confusion, Who’s heart ache could fill jugs, And who’s laughter could drink them empty, a man who’s looked in the mirror, And deeper into his soul, And said not good enough, And rebuilt himself, Time, After, Time. A man who believes that he has blessed so heavily that anything less than being the man he knows he can be is a failure. What I was given from life was arbitrary, What I do with it should be intentional, They must be a purpose behind what I do, Anything else is kin to crawling in a ball and praying harm not befall me.
The Ocean Test
2026, what a way to start a note I took a moment Looking out into the Adriatic Sea Sat in Saranda Albania And I thought I’m here And I thought hold on for a second This is crazy I’M HERE I’ve been hearing, Living out here And that’s crazy That’s a crazy mental frame, I’m just doing this thing, Boldly and bravely, And there’s so much that can happen at any moment, And I’m just here Boy do I miss predictability. Routine, Structure, The expected I’m realising that there’s nothing wrong with the expected, Your building towards something, It’s stable and predictable, You are gradually walking towards something better for you, And thought it’s slow, It’s Predictable Here, It’s all a bit much, You can love adventure, And not love what comes with it, Why do I need to plan when I can use the toilet, I just walk, I just go, After 165 days, I just keep going, Guess I’ma little bit mad Guess that has to be it, Because bro, Why? I’ve tried to think of different ways to say why I do what I do But I don’t even know, I just know where I’m at mentally, And I think things have changed, I’m bored, Constantly anxious, And I wonder, Why am I doing this. I think to the other side, Though there’s some level of inconsistency, What ever it is I want to do, I could probably do better, Just doing it, Treating it with the same level of just get this shit done, That I’m doing here. I rest sometimes but I keep going, And the question becomes… Do I have to see it through? Do I want to see it through? What do I gain, Other than knowing I went all the way there, Social growth and branding, do I become a somebody? I’m not helping anyone, I just meet people, I get to see things, I could do that differently, I go on a short trip with friends, And I see so much more than I do walking in 2-3 days than I do see walking. More I don’t know, There’s two sides to that coin, Walking I see inside, I connect with people, That’s cool, But on a boat, In a car, Angles and speeds you wouldn’t think off, Sensory differences, Walking, I have so little control of my environment, And that can be Great, Out of my comfort zone I’ve found a lot of growth, I see a lot of things, Currently the orange sunset hue on the 6th floor balcony on the coast of Saranda, After a boat ride, Where I saw Corfe, And swam at the twin beach, In water both green and blue. I laughed at dinner with an old friend, And drove with speeds and driving styles that are frankly dangerous Still I had a great time, I felt uncomfortable multiple times, I don’t know if other people would, Where I don’t know if others would, I see myself as a survivor, As one that can endure, And I’m alert a lot of the time, So I’m doing this while having a brain that’s always scanning and processing, And as we do with potential threats, We think how well we can access this threat, You don’t give the benefit of the doubt, You keep the benefit of the doubt, Because only a fool knows better and presses on, I must think in states of escalation, I must draw the what if past benefit of the doubt, I’ve thought as far as donkey companions, And carving ancient tools, Because what if What if something happens, And I think the what if has changed bro, What if you lose your job, You get another, What if your broke, Doesn’t matter start again, I’m out of shape, Go to the gym, Stop eating sugar, A 60kg Kangal decides your a threat, That’s an uncomfortable thought, What if your in your tent, Comfortable and relaxed, And your hear shuffling and muffling, Rumbling on the ground, A cut to your tent, Indistinguishable from an external force, And there you are, Alone, Unarmed, Nothing but prey to that which decides, I love how delusional of a man I can be, And still I know where that’s just it, Game over And that right there, That’s what operates in your head as you walk around the world, Somewhere in the back of your head, At all times, You must. And it’s a harrowing feeling So why do I walk around the world, Honestly I don’t know, My head was a bit messed up, I needed time to think, I thought let’s just go to Kenya, I saw others had done it and I knew it was possible, Then I looked at my life, And thought, What am I giving up anyway, I was in a place, And I didn’t know what else to do, Nothing else took away that feeling, So I decided, And I knew to be firm on it, I couldn’t allow any thoughts to come in, Because all of them would be true, The risk is too high, Your essentially rolling the dice on your continuity, And I knew the answer to each of them, (Deep breathe) I knew. So that should tell you where my mind was at. There’s an old quote, If you think you want to die, Throw yourself into the ocean and see how badly you'll fight to live. Im a person that in despair, Put my life on the line, To find reasons to keep going, Ive risked my life, To try and save my life. Comical. And beautiful. So do I have to keep going? I don’t, It would require a true mental checkout, And I’m not there, I’ll be honest I don’t like the dogs, And I’ve never wanted to live more, But I do, I’ve got more in me, Maybe I have it all in me, Wouldn’t that be something, It’s a nice dream to hold onto, I struggle with focus, But this is one target I haven’t lost sight of. I just want to get there, I don’t care how long it takes, I just want it to be a positive experience for me, And maybe that’s why I wouldn’t be ready to stop, Because in spite of everything, I enjoy it, I’ve grown from this that’s for sure, Mentally, Emotionally, And unexpectedly Physically I miss being able to control my diet, routine and structure, I thrive of it, Some predictability is awesome, I’ll eat this, Train here, Walk here, Good experience here, Sleep here, No problems just day in day out I’d be crushing it, But there’s just too many variables for this formula, They show up in unexpected ways, And you just play the hand your dealt, So I’m here tomorrow I’m going back to Macedonia And I’m going to rest for a few days, I need some time to get organised, I’ve got admin to do, Limited resources, And a mind set on making something with this, I’m currently thinking about charity, I’m think raise money to what? Theres War, water, food, eyes, walking, local area, schools, the list just goes on, To the thing that connects to them, To the right thing, I don’t know, People suffer a lot, In so many different ways, And it’s heart breaking, I think all of us know that, Whether we look at it or not, The world is in many ways, We don’t want to see, So we don’t, And I understand, Sometimes it’s easiest that way, Because what do I do that x has happened in this or that place, That’s all it is these days, And being positive in life genuinely, Is looking in the other direction, This is what we are taught, Look on the bright side, Because it gets Dark. And not a single one of us doesn’t know that. There’s questions that one could easily ask themselves, But I don’t register it, I’m thinking and planning around upgrading upgrading x, I like most people, Have made and make my contributions, But I could do more, And that is that little place that tells me, Maybe I’m not so bad, And I helped, So I can peacefully eat my ice cream, Without the guilt of knowing someone’s not eaten in days, Maybe that’s all it is, There’s seldom few people who are truly selfless, Maybe if any, Self preservation always remains in mind, And the questions of what’s enough, Fuels both our deepest greed and highest ambitions, I’ve been writing for a while now, See, I think a lot, I don't know if it’s good or bad thoughts, But I don’t think they need to be either, They’re just thoughts, And tbh the quality of thoughts does need to be judged, Well I think I’m in a decent place right now, My experience of life, Is that it’s set up in such a way, That we do what we need, And we don’t understand what it is we need, So we look through others, We judge would I like to this persons life, Crowd mentality is real, And even if we all know we won’t be the best, I’m confident a lot of us would like to know what that feels like, I often wonder if people still remain in the world of “this is what we have”, And though we need, We need for only security, food and water in that order, How we live is how we live, That’s what cultures based on, Necessity, We’ve commercialised necessity because of how absent it is, But times are different, We have culture in our own ways, And in many ways, It’s different, Once gladiators, Now gamers, Competing for prizes, Elite levels of skills, Entertaining for the masses, And I couldn’t say this to not long ago, But appealing to the masses, Having a presence in today’s age, Is more valuable than it’s ever been, Forget the money, It can enable you to do what you want, We are past needs, Travel, spend 45k on a shiny watch, make sure your family is always good, even help on a larger scale, It provides, Money Access In exchange for being yourself, And hopefully doing the things you want, I say hopefully because like all things 2 sides to the coin In exchange Privacy has a question mark We compromise ourselves, for optimisation. I think very few people truly say the things that they think. Instead they allow personas to be built around them, and grow into it. Change is hard, you’ve built a world that relies on people still caring. And you don’t know how they may feel about it. Which demographic you could switch off, which demographic you’d be happy to ignore, which demographic you’d get. You don’t know, so you play it safe. Remember you’re looking for sponsorships, and they will blackball you we’ve see it enough times. If you play the game right, You get what you need and you move on, Because when your held under rules as stringent, And ideally you do it, Before the job becomes your life, Because maybe you like just being a normal guy, Maybe you don’t want to be asked questions, Maybe you don't want to take pictures, And been paraded, Maybe you just want to have everything while being like everyone else. i don’t know but I’ve writing for a long time now so I’m going to stop this here
The Mosaic
Oscillating between versions of me, The one doing his best to be strong, The one spiraling to the bottom, I find it difficult, To put my mind into the world, Particularly so when it's not to share thoughts of growth, strength or wisdom. I take a while to process my thoughts, the understanding of my feelings lags even further behind that. I don’t want the world to see me weak, to see me struggle. That’s something I carry, rooted in a feeling of inadequacy. i feel the need to cover all weakness in strength, that's what my books taught me, and life showed me. but i struggle, and for reason's I don't entirely understand. i just know that someday's I wake up, and my brain feels dry, and the colors gone. and the only way I've ever known to process this, is by the name weakness because there's still things to do, and it's my job to do them. and before even saying my feeling's don't matter, feeling's isn't even a word I should use. I'm a man, what business do I have feeling, my thoughts should take precedence. Still I know me a little bit by now, and I go through seasons, seasons, of discipline, of creativity, of intensity, free, of sorrow, all will pass, still I experience them, I question myself, before I reach the point where I cover it in masculinity and get on with things, Is my brain different or does everyone experience this? When I next speak, should I share what I think, or get on with it. and why am I so good at getting on with it... At least I thought I was, instead now there's a camera. watching me, and when I lack for enthusiasm, they see it, they tell me they see it and I think what do I do. surely i don't want to create a running dialogue for the inside of my mind, to invite in the opinions of strangers, to open it up to the critique of the world, but I do, I do wish to share, To be myself is to integrate all. but i'm afraid. I don't know how to articulate my mind in a way that paint's the picture. At least it's not something I could do in one day, I could only ever give a fragment, one that will contradict the next providing little clarity, while inviting eyes to the mosaic of my mind, piece by piece allowing other's to put them together and create their own versions of me. I suppose my life is art now, or maybe it has always been, and the best thing to do, would be to capture it as though no one alive will ever see, then I'll be free, from the self imposed shackles of how I'm supposed to be.