From The Road
Letters To
The Horizon
Not travel logs. A collection of places, thoughts and fragments gathered while walking toward somewhere that keeps moving.
What's the difference?
Will power or Ego? Day 237, with 2 hours to leave I find myself asking all manner of questions. These are all based around feasibility, sustainability, fatigue, and the list goes on. What kick started this thought process? I think it's a mixture, Youtube revoking my monetization and having to wait a month and legally register a uk business to continue... a real spanner in the works, I finally had a system that I could of relied on for consistent revenue thrown away. I can't lie to myself, that hurts, it brings a lot of confusion, it's what I was working towards and now... it's a slap in the face. Let's say the quiet part's out loud, My content strategy is failing and I question why I do it. Often times I think that I don't until I remember the video's were never for content. They were for me. Financially, I don't know if I can pull this off, the fatigue of it all is draining. My well has dried up, the days of buymeacoffee are behind me, the paypal support is distant. My own funds depleted, and now my latest source of revenue paused indefinitely. I'm surprised i'm still going, Is it ego or commitment, Will I be proud of myself if I pull it off? or was I just stubborn in not quitting? If someone asks me what's the plan, it get's embarrasing real quick. I suppose this would be easy for me, if not for finance. One thing for sure though, I am not making another video talking discussing circumstance. it's a horrible feeling. Instead maybe I have to look even further inwards, I have to ask the question. What more can I do? Is it time to abandon authenticity? Is it time to dramatise life for viewership? It must be time for something different? What that something is I'll need to think about. If you're reading this, just know. I'm doing my best.
A moment in time
It’s day 233, I left from the beach campsite I spent 2 days on, Yesterday I literally flew. 1000m in the air, Trusting a man I met only the day before with my life, Scared and excited, I spent my time with his family, A beautiful experience. Now I have moved on 6km away, I sit in ücmakdere, It is good I took the time to learn what little I have of Kemal Mustafa Ataturk, I understand the reverence the Turks hold for him, For right or wrong, He fought for them, He was a strong man. I’m here moving around the world, The emotions I go through are intensely grounding, The connections are heart warming, My mental state has reached a state of calm I have never known, Gone of the days of speaking out stimulation or excitement, I have something better, Contentment, connection and novelty. Did I make a good decision to walk the world? I could have done no better, No sooner, no later, No richer, no poorer, Exactly as I am, as it’s been, as it will be exactly how I want it. Everyday someone tells me, If you need anything at all, just ask. I have nothing more to ask of them, the warmth of connection, the bread we break in brotherhood. Unaware they may be. They are doing the work of the world. We are all playing our part, the human experience. A sweet nectar, honey that may never expire this is how I see connection. A calm person may collect it without feeling the sting of the bee, And should I be stung. I know not to blame the hive, I know it is not the nature of the bee, it is merely a moment. One that in exchange for the honey I’ve had can never take away from the sweetness of the honey. I will drink my chai, slowly. Then I will stand, my journey will continue. I am just a man, experiencing the world. I’m glad to have learnt all I have. For those wondering of the nature of our people, I say. “The nature of man (people) is that of a kind spirit. The greatest currency that can be exchanged is a smile. The world is a beautiful place.”
A warm heart
Today’s been an interesting day. Day 228 is in the books, I’m currently in some kids bed, I think he’s been relocated for the night haha, I served my time when I was young it’s his turn 😂 I had a good day by myself for the most part, thinking about who I want to be, how I’ll get there and who the role models of this archetype are. I’m still settled on Uncle Iroh and the prophet Moses. Why them? Why not the prophet Muhammad? Well for me it’s simple. I can never be the prophet Muhammad, to me his life is more like the Quran a book on guidance without flaw. Same for Jesus. Yet Moses, aha my brother had anger issues, argued with god, and never finished his final journey. Now that’s relatable. Iroh? Look at what bro did to Ba-sing-sai, he lost his son and gained another. Who he was a role model for. All by looking inward. I thought of the great examples of men from before my time, How they were not just brutes (though those existed) but they were softer in heart. They would write literature and poetry, they were gentle to those weaker than them, and strong in the face of those who threatened those who couldn’t defend themselves. They spoke wisely while paying attention to the vices that derail man. They were men. I thought of how the idea of a “man” has become so distorted. This idea that men should be dull strong rocks with money and female attention is imo wrong. I prefer the man who can be a warrior in a garden, who plants flowers to admire there beauty, trees such that others can enjoy their shade, And would spend time heeding the whispers of the heart. I am bias, because I spend my time walking towards this. Alas the day continues, I reached tekirdag, I moved through the city reaching a point where I could camp, the sun was setting and my frustration was rising. Exhausted I was, I wanted the day to be done. I couldn’t find a place to sleep. I went to the prayer room to speak with god, And met some brothers there. Shortly after I was enjoying chai and nuts with one of them and his family. Sharing stories through translate with his child, his wife, brother, and mother in law. I was welcomed, this woke me up and made me smile. This was followed by another inviting me into his home, inviting me to do laundry, feeding me, and offering a bed. I went to speak to god in a time of anxt and unexpectedly he delivered. Now I close my eyes to sleep. Tomorrow is a new day
Storytelling lesson 1 Ira Glass
Lessons from Ana Ira Glass 1 Anecdotes, This happened, that happened, I felt like this… Keeps the audience in suspense always, and keeps the mind asking questions that they will naturally assume will be answered anyway 2 Finding the story, knowing what to keep and being ruthless with what you cut. What is the story? Knowing why the audience has tuned in and more specifically what you wish to relay to them. Knowing what to kill in the story, gives the story room to leave. “Know what crap to kill”. Everything is trying to be crap, and you have to be a killer in propping up the story. Being really tough on knowing what to keep and what to let go. You want to put yourself on a schedule where you’re doing enough that luck can find you. “Story telling is about luck” An interesting quote I heard from an expert story teller, even he thinks it’s down to luck??? Aaah it’s about going through the motion and looking for what is so compelling it makes the whole search for IT. Worthwhile. Ok interesting. 3. On good taste “If you make content of any form, it’s because you have good taste. But when you start, what you’re making is not that good, it’s trying to be good. But your taste is still good and you can tell that what your making is still sort of crappy” You can say that again! The good news is he said a lot of people don’t get past that point, they quit. This is good because I don’t quit. The best solution as per Ira. Do a lot of work put yourself in a position so that every week you know you’ll finish one story. I will apply this to my long form content, and be more free with short form as that will naturally catch up to what I learn as I go. - Speak in a way that is most natural 4. Common beginner pitfall Trying to talk like people on the radio/tv, we think this is the way because it’s what we see online. However everything is more compelling when you just talk like yourself. Reminds me of “Be you that’s when your really B-eautiful” Mr Beast (example) is already on the internet they don’t need me to imitate him. What they don’t have is me. A large part of having a good personality, Is not just talking about yourself, You talk briefly and humorously on yourself, then you talk about the other person, and ask questions. Because they’re interested in other people and the world. In a good story you get both, most will be about whoever the main focus of the story is on. Then the writer will also be in there as a clear personality, asking questions, providing an alternative point of view. He’s getting to the good bit, I was wondering what about a first person story and he’s started “What’s interesting isn’t just your take on things, It’s seeing you interact with other people, seeing you process the world through your eyes, Seeing the people/circumstance that you have to deal with. Otherwise there’s no drama. You want the interactions, laughter, tensions, human life. And it won’t work if there’s too much of anyone. Because there’s not enough characters to make a drama. This will be a challenge point for me, because I will need to be able to naturally document conversation or catch moments that compel the audience. The good news is they happen naturally anyway. The challenge is documenting it. That was a good small first study session on story telling. I will be implementing this in my coming videos and we will see how the story develops.
Day 226 - short forms back?
I’m tired, my eyes are stinging it’s almost midnight but The videos out. I enjoyed editing and making that, I have the prior what they want to see. Now to sustain it. Bed time good night
Not retrospective
This is my first time writing directly here, I’m proud of me for building this site. Suppose I used to have trouble finishing my projects. Oh the graveyard of ideas is full. I’m on my way to Dodullu to get a Bus to Corlu and head into the forest. Status: energised Feet still pain me I think that’s chronic now - it is what it is Music: Merve Ozbey - Juice Wrld Account: £50-60 Hoping to get my reimbursement from travel insurance soon should push me over £100 but we know how insurance can be. I have new gear, Solar panel, Gimbal, Mic receiver mobile, Looking forward to using these hopefully it gives me a more sustainable system on the roads, And enables better videos. But let’s be honest, The real quality of a video isn’t angles, or quality, It’s emotion and story telling. A skill I pursuit mastery in. The aim for the next leg is to spend my time in the great outdoors, Time to myself in the mountains would be good, I miss it, England and France had plenty and it’s something I’ve deprived myself of out of fear as well as poor logistics. Here’s to that! The sun has been kind to me today, 26* is not bad. 30 through the week, 40 on the way. Swae out
Tamam
I reached out. Everything reminded me of her, I knew better. Still I don't know exactly what I was looking for. I have closure already, maybe it was to know how she was, maybe just to hear something from a time that felt real either way. I reached out and she replied. She's getting married. I sat with that for a moment. I don't know how long. Long enough. I thought about what to say. I could have said nothing. I could have said too much. I've done both before and neither served me. Instead I wrote two words. Tamam. All the best. And I meant it. That's the thing I keep coming back to. I meant it . There was no bitterness dressed as grace, no quiet hope that she'd read something between the lines. I genuinely wished her well and let it go. That felt like something I'd been working towards. I don't think you fall out of love with a person. I think you fall out of love with the version of yourself that existed inside that relationship. What I missed wasn't her specifically. It was the feeling of familiarity. Maybe that's what I was reaching for when I wrote. And she gave me what I needed by simply answering. Not because of what she said. Because of what I felt when she said it. Which was - okay. Just okay. Not devastated, not relieved, not hollow. Okay. I've been on the road for over 200 days, I sleep rough and count my pennies. Everyday I see more of the world and now it's my turn to get acquainted with Türkiye - the language, the culture, the history. She was Turkish, and maybe that's what brought her to mind. Her name is scattered around the country. I see her face daily. I see her father's bank everywhere. A constant reminder. I still care for her in memory. But I know we parted ways with good reasoning. Similar to my journey - looking back with fondness is okay. Wishing to go back because it felt comfortable and familiar, that's not what I do. One foot in front of the other. Keep moving. I have a different mission.
The Cafe
im sat in a cafe, i extended my stay in istanbul prior to starting to walk through turkiye by one more day. a new country im starting off, and it's with a lot of logistical challenges, im thinking about data, money, and safety. right now my job is to get some videos out, i just got monetised on youtube, that should help hopefully, i see in my first 24 hours and made £2.10 - though its a far cry from truly being able to live of, it's a start, it's something, hopefully something i can build from, im surprised by my tolerance to stress and how that's grown, exposure therapy is doing it's thing, my friend gave me £250, he told me i can pay him back whenever i can pay him back, i don't think he understands that scale of that gesture in my life right now, i kind of like that im battling the odds so much, yet im still here, last night i had a conversation with another software engineer, it was good, he was in a similar place to myself and that's what led us to meeting in a hostel, a very cool man, a turk who has moved to germany, he showed me around, and provided historical context to the sights we were seeing, i couldn't help but think, i wish i could record this, i loved it and therefore i knew others would, still i kept my camera holstered, do i still believe i can pull this off, yes, but i need to get incredibly lucky, over and over again, one bad roll can end my journey, I am still yet to hit that point where the game changes, still i will do my best.
The Actor
ego, what is the ego, my ego is my actor, it's the one that cares about how i look, it's not necessary it's the one that covers my bad moves, it tells me things about myself that are quantifiably true, it's what holds me back from being better, you can do more, for your own sake, walking around the world isn't enough, your job is to add substance to it, would learning the history of where you are going prior to arrival help, yes, will you see it differently, yes, onto a different subject, good job, you did albania, i feel indifferent to this, i think of what's ahead, turkey, do things you can be proud of, live like someone who you'll happily show to the world. (Transit — Flight to Turkey)
Two Sides of the Coin
I've finished Albania. I'm on a bus back to the capital. My plans to fly to Turkey for the next leg. A good experience I had in Albania. Still, I feel something's missing. Impact. All of what I do is well and good, Still I can do more. I ask am I using my time in the best way I could? I want to love, I want to create, Solve problems, Genuinely help people. I'm at a bottleneck. People help me. Is my job to walk the world receiving the help of others, Grateful as I am, Is this the best use of my time? Often times I feel useless. Not to myself. To others. A smile has never put food in a stomach, Even if it warms a heart. I suppose whatever path of life I walk, I've always looked to the other. An engineer, Working on applications with dreams of providing solutions to the masses. I felt as though I'm getting older, There's so much I haven't seen. A man walking the world, I think of the world I left behind. All I could do. What can I build. Solutions — family. To have my own tribe. To be complete inside. To love quietly. To cover the corner of the table. To speak words that blanket hard days. To hold someone in my arms, And know I need not the whole world, When I have mine. Still, Today, I transit to the airport. I prepare myself for what's to come. Time alone, Time with strangers, Hardship and happiness. I do love my journey. I merely reflect on a life I left behind, Knowing that all coins have two sides, And on a journey such as my own, I must accept that I can only carry what is within.