The Beginning

So where better to start than now. As of right now I am not feeling like I am living my life. My true life. My destiny still awaits but at my trajectory I'm afraid I may miss it. As a person I am not who I should be and I'm aware of this. My faith in people is small. I rarely feel the warmth of love. I create an illusion of who I am instead of being who I should be. To put it frank — I am a fraud. I don't know when it started. I try to find a specific time in my life where it first began. When I was 14 I had my walls so high up I had built an entire fiction around myself, because I did not want to accept the truth. I just wanted to be accepted. There is a quote I like from St Augustine. "The good though he is a slave, he is a slave to being good, whereas the wicked though he is a king, is a slave. For he serves, not one man alone but as many masters as he has vices." I apply this to my life. I have my vices and they all come with a cost. A disguised cost, hidden in appeal. The never ending game of decisions. Good ones and bad, always awaiting your next move. I try to withhold from my vices but I fail. I am now a slave to them. I must find what type of life brings fulfilment, love and peace. For life requires balance as any man would know, and one without will be wasted. I will study myself across these lines: Health. Relationships. Confidence. Altruism. Social status. Appearance. Habits and vices. Emotional intelligence. Mannerisms and language. Who am I and how am I.