An Empty Victory

What happens when you know how to be in theory, but it's difficult today i found myself feeling off, irritable, it was my last day walking in France, and even though i knew i should enjoy today, i found myself missing the zeal i normally walk with, questioning it's authenticity, questioning myself, I found myself questioning others, and their intent, are people good? a sentence I found myself thinking about... was it a mistake to use such a blanketed statement, i suppose so, i suppose when expanded on, It's an idea, an idea that once shared put me in a self imposed box where i now had to stand on that, the interesting thing is, it's not something I oppose. to me it means, that within all people is good, and whether it is brought out, remains the question. people are good, also has me looking at myself, why do i get to decide if people are good, why's it based on my interaction with them. I had an interaction today, a woman came up to me in a store, unaware that I do social media, I was already irritable, my social battery had been removed from my device, I truly had no interest in communicating, and she began to speak to me, about the hot food in a store, about how this is what she usually eats, but today none of it appeals to her, I nodded and okay'd along, the introvert in me counting the moments until this interaction ended, she probed into my backpack, and told me she was very happy to meet somebody going to her country, she was one of my country folk, here in the city of Nice, whether she was alone or with family, this was all unknown to me, I listened in a little, she told me she hated her time in London, she told me she was having a bad day, and that this had done something for her, what that something was I don't know, she asked if after shopping we could speak, to which i ok'd.... she left to do her shopping, I returned to mine and before long she was back, carrying an energy drink, letting me know she would wait for me outside the store to converse, I sighed internally, and ok'd again... i then spent 5-10 minutes walking through the store hoping that when I leave, she would be gone, she wasn't, and so I approached her, touching my ear phones and told her I was speaking to my girlfriend and wished her a good day, a clean exit I then started to think, about what that moment could of been for her, how maybe i'm no good, I justified myself in the thought that I'm not required to converse with anyone, yet couldn't shake the thought that this was contradictory to my own words, so I ask again why do I say people are good? maybe I should say something like, people have good within them, maybe this is further from judgement, for judging one person, means i judge all, and none who pass judgement, are free from their own. so I sit here today, in a hostel with 7 other people, feeling off in some ways, lost in thought on many things, and I suppose this is how it should be. I'm tired of the way in which I create videos, I feel as though it lacks any real depth, and as a result of that lack of depth, I throw energy at the camera, it makes me wonder, am i performative, if so, to what end, why? am I afraid to just show up as myself? what is it? why do I feel like I can't just show up entirely as myself? I'm proud in my religion yet I wish not to speak on it, I don't want the questions, the scrutiny, I want to say stop asking it's none of your concern, but I don't I don't consider myself to be acting, I know even if it is just raw energy, it is mine, I show up as myself, yet there is more than one side to this coin one of the best books I've read states, "every problem is a interpersonal problem" this is a weight I am currently carrying, they are eyes on me, i'm a person who for a long time, preferred to be aloof, some of my closest friends are books, with many of my teachers holding residence within, having spent my time in study, having practiced in the field, I now take my skills to the worlds, my highs and lows, wins and losses, broadcasted to thousands, shortly after, I find myself reading comments, on my speech, behavior, mannerisms, plans, more often than not, I find myself reading praise, thinking I'm unworthy, thinking, I'm just a guy, walking around. and the stranges part of it all, for the most part... they like me, they are kind to me, many a time they bring a smile to my face. yet I am constantly aware, whenever someone says you are good, they are wrong, and whenever someone says you are bad, they are wrong. we exist somewhere in the middle, undefined, simply existing within moments, everyone to someone exists with a different face, the moment in which you meet someone becomes the base line for the judgement you give them, maybe this next part, is mine alone, i am inconsistent, I can wake up, with the world at my feet, and be irritable, I can wake up, destitute, sore, lost, alone with a smile on my face, knowing I'll figure it out, I can walk 1000 miles greeting everyone, smiling and waving to strangers, then have a day in which a stranger approaches me, and I remove myself with haste. I once had a podcast, it was messages recorded at various points in life, with a close friend, where all conversations, were painfully transparent, such that one day our kids could listen, and understand what their fathers went through, how they over came challenges, how they stumbled, it was liberating, to be able to speak free from immediate feedback, As i write that I think to how that's the problem, Immediate feedback, the silent judgement I wait for, how was the video? do they like me? will this help towards sponsorship? am I presenting myself as well as possible? what of that that I don't present, should i? I have seen the beast of social media, transform humility into ego, the temptation of what it brings... I have also felt, the challenge you feel between being yourself, and being who they want you to be, of silencing a thought because you want to be as neutral as possible, I spent years, chiseling myself, looking pain in the eyes and walking through it, and I want this person to exist to, not because I want praise, but because I like who I am, in spite of my flaws, I do what I do, not to entertain, but because I know I can, I know who I am, and the tragedy is not giving that to the world, I don't know how I would, I currently lack the creative skills to do so, and therefore a transition would be uncomfortable, alas I shouldn't care, so was quitting a life to start another, and by the time I am 1000 miles into that, I'll be in a better place. Nice we made it. France I love you, I felt it all here, so much fear, anxiety, highs, lows, the emotional cycle was spun, the stimulation I crave was filled, I learnt of myself, yet I wish to learn of another self, as with most people, their is a me, that exists, alone and within the company of a very select few, a me that I frankly don't know how to integrate into social media, I've lost confidence in what I'm writing so this is where I'll stop. just get on with it. i feel no sense of victory in reaching the south of France, i thought i would, yet it felt empty, what i know is that the ocean is beautiful, the mountains were as the mountains have been, and this chapter is complete, yet today. I felt nothing, I struggle more with comfort than with hardship